Beryl passed away Tuesday morning November 17th.  I was fortunate enough to be with her along with Beryl's mother, Edie and Beryl's sister, Mara.   It was Beryl's wish to be cremated and to have her ashes spread at sea.  She also wanted a memorial service instead of a funeral.  I don't know when it will be but I will let everyone know.  Beryl and I had many conversations about her dying.  We tried to prepare ourselves for this day but nothing can prepare you for the pain and sadness.  Fraizer is doing her best not to think about it but every now and then she'll cry a bit and we'll talk and then go on wtih our day.  I find myself alternating between crying and numbness.  I loved Beryl so much and always will.  There will never be anyone like her.  She was my loving wife and my closest friend.  Creative, intelligent, wonderful mother, a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen.  I love you sweetheart.        Friday November 13th 4 A.M.                 I made a correction to yesterday's entry about  the ferritin results.  They were from before the blood transfusion and not after.   Thursday Afternoon November 12th            I just got some more news.  It seems that the nurses at Kaiser gave her way too much blood which I believe caused her heart rate to increase and the fever.  Also her ferritin levels were off the charts.  Ferritin is a protein in the body that binds to iron.  Most of the iron in the body is bound to ferritin.  Her average ferritin  level should be between 13 -150 ng/ml.  Beryl's levels are 8224.  Too much iron can lead to a condition called hemochromatosis which can damage her organs and cause fatigue, joint pain, weakness, and weight loss. It can be corrected with medication which is what Dr. Rubio is doing. Beryl's mom says that she looks a little better and Beryl has a slight decrease in pain.  Her appetite is still not very good but she did eat a little bit more than yesterday.   Thursday November 12th          Well, it has not been a good week.  Beryl wasn't able to come home last weekend.  The pain in her hip has intensified and she can't walk.  I went to see her instead and she was crying a lot and in so much pain.  Her spirits are way down.  They have been treating her for inflammation but it is slow going.  She was feeling a tiny bit better by Monday but not by much.  I brought her to Kaiser for her PICC line dressing change, some lab work, and to see her orthopedic surgeon who did the hip replacement surgery.  The doctor didn't see anything wrong with her hip and said it was highly unlikely that she had an infection.  When we left to return to Mexico we got a call on the cell phone less than a mile form the hospital from Beryl's doctor.  She asked us to return immediately to emergency because the lab results showed that Beryl's red blood cell count and her hemoglobin were dangerously low.  So we returned for a blood transfusion which turned into an overnight stay in emergency.  Beryl was in the worst pain.  They gave her pain medication which made her sleep mostly.  She wound up with a fever and an accelerated heart rate which she hasn't had for the last month in Mexico.  The worst part was the doctor at Kaiser asked Beryl's mom if she wanted them to take her to hospice because of her condition ( tumors spread everywhere, skin and bones, and her vitals ) and the fact that she was going to die.  I can't tell you how horrible that was.  There is absolutely nothing at Kaiser, as far as care goes, that is useful to us.  They are ready for her to die.  Back in Mexico Dr. Rubio is continuing treatment and sees her as a human being that has a future. She didn't sleep much last night waking up every two hours.  She's also not eating very much and her pain moves from the left side to the right side.  I'm just hoping it doesn't take her long to get back to how she was doing a few weeks ago when everything was improving. Tuesday November 3rd         Halloween weekend was so much fun.  We had a few friends over and they were all so excited to see Beryl.  Beryl joined in with our trick or treating group in her wheechair and we spent a lot of time roaming the neighborhood.  Beryl had a great time with everyone.  On Sunday we didn't do anything except her usual Sunday appointment at Kaiser for her PICC line dressing change.  Saturday night she didn't sleep much and was exhausted all day Sunday.  Her cancer treatment is going well but she is having some intense pain in her hip again and has a great deal of difficulty walking, again.  She had an X-Ray done and the report shows that there is nothing wrong with her hip or the prosthetic.  Her doctor thinks it is inflammation so he is treating her for that.  We were also hoping Beryl would be coming home after this week but they want to keep her another week.  She is trying to keep her spirits up but it's now been almost two months in Mexico and she is desperate to come home.  She is very thankful for everyone's support and generousity as Frazier and I are.  Everyone's help is making this more bearable.

Wednesday October 28th       We got the test results of the CAT Scan back and we were baffled by it.  This CAT Scan was compared to the one Beryl had in August before things got worse.  So the CAT Scan in October shows no change in some of the tumors and growth in others as well as additional tumors growing.  After Beryl's August CAT Scan her tumors grew a great deal, both internally and just below the skin.  This CAT Scan reflects the progress made after things got worse.  We can see the tumors have shrunk as well as the fact that her strength is coming back, she's walking again, no fever, no night sweats, no shortness of breath.  A CAT Scan in a couple of months will show shrinkage form her October scan.  Beryl and her mom came home on Saturday and went back to Mexico on Sunday.  It was great to have her home for a while and Beryl loved being back.  Saturday we went to La Jolla Cove to watch the sunset (Frazier's idea) and then to Walmart to buy fabric for Fraier's halloween costume.  After we went out to dinner at Souplantation.  When we got home I got the sewing machine out and Beryl made Frazier's bat wings.  Sunday Beryl and I went to the Farmer's Market in Hillcrest and then went out to lunch.   Other than the boredom down in Mexico she is doing great and we're hoping that she might only be there for another two weeks.  In the meantime we are looking forward to the weekend.

Tuesday October 20th Picked up Beryl and her mom Saturday around 4 P.M. and we went to Souplantation with friends.  After wards we came home and since Beryl's treatments didn't start again until Monday she spent the night at home.  She was so happy to be in her own home and sleep in her own bed.  We got up very early and went to the Making Strides Breast Cancer Walk at Balboa Park.  We handed out 1,000 fliers directing people to the website.  It was very tiring but I was glad that Beryl had the energy to come with us.  We went out for breakfast and treated ourselves at Bread and Cie and then went home.  Beryl napped for  a few hours, we watched a little T.V. and then it was back to Mexico.  Today is the CAT Scan and I can't wait to see exactly how much her tumors have shrunk.

Wednesday October 14th - Week 5 Beryl's mom is doing better.  The doctors gave her IV's and she was up and eating.  Beryl had a good night's sleep.  The chemo and radiation treatments are very low doses.  These treatments are to stop the growth of the cancer and not to try to kill it so that her immune system is not compromised.  However, chemo being chemo, Beryl's hair is falling out just like in January of 2008 when she had her first chemo at Kaiser.  So this Saturday we will for the second time be shaving her head.  Although I see she is getting better and is not at death's door like she was 5 weeks ago it still makes me sad that she has to go through this again.  I sometimes wonder if we came to the clinic when she was first diagnosed maybe she wouldn't have had to endure the assualts that her body has taken.  Maybe she wouldn't have needed the masectomy.  Maybe she wouldn't have needed the breast reconstruction which she was never happy with.  Maybe her cancer wouldn't have spread to her hip and she wouldn't have needed hip replacement.  It's wasteful thinking, I know.  As I write these updates I hope that maybe someone who is going through a similar situation will find an alternative treatment that is less damaging, less invasive, less heartbreaking.  I wouldn't wish our experiences on anyone.

Tuesday October 13th - Week 5  Beryl had a bad night last night.  Nauseous all night.  Beryl's mom is also sick.  Sneezing and coughing, staying in bed.  Beryl's CAT Scan (back to Cat Scan instead of MRI) is scheduled for next Tuesday at Kaiser (this will save us additional charges at the clinic).  Everything else is looking good.

Sunday October 11th - Week 5  Today was such a good day.  Picked up Beryl and her mom at the border and we went to Kaiser for a dressing change.  Friends met us at the hospital and we went down to Harbor Island and took in the sites.  It was such a beautiful day.  Afterward we went to lunch at Demille's in North Park.  Beryl had a great appettite and felt really good the whole day.   Her tumors are still shrinking.  Beryl is walking a little bit more without the walker for a very short distance and last night was a good night's sleep.  She wants to come home so bad and we are hoping that maybe after the MRI is done (I said CAT Scan before but I was mistaken) we will know more.  There is a Breast Cancer walk in Balboa Park this coming Sunday October 18th and I encourage everyone to support all those involved.  Frazier and I will be there to hand out fliers to let people know about the website.  I'm hoping we can get more help with donations and also to let others know about the great work that is being done at the clinic.  Maybe others can benefit from the information here.

Tuesday October 6th - Week 4   The weekend was full of sleepless nights so Beryl's days were very tiresome.  Sunday she came back to Kaiser for a new PIC line ( more permanent IV line) and she felt well enough to go to lunch.  Monday she came back again to Kaiser for a PIC line dressing change and unfortunately spent two hours stuck in border traffic (the clinic van brought her up).  She was stressed out completely and went back to the clinic right after the dressing change.  Two hours to get back to the clinic and then she was able to relax.  She had dinner, played cards with her fellow patients and then went to bed.  Today she is walking without a walker.  Slowly walking but she feels she has a little more strength.  Her feet are swollen and they go up and down but the more she walks the better that will be.  She misses being home terribly and just wants to come home but she talked today about being happy that she has a future now and we will grow old together.

Friday October 2nd - Week 3  The tumors in Beryl's lungs have shrunk.  The x-ray she had shows that the fluid in her lungs is being absorbed by her body and the tumors are getting smaller.  She can feel the tumors in her neck and abdomen have gotten smaller also.  She's been having some bad nights this week with coughing all night long and not getting any sleep but last night was cough free and a good night's sleep.  She even did a little walking today and in her own words "feels great".  I will see her tomorrow.

Sunday September 27- Week 3   Beryl's cancer cell count was 500 when she first entered the clinic.  It is now 280.  For the last 3 months her pulse rate has been an average of 130 at rest.  Her normal heart rate should be around 90.  As of today it was down to 112.  The tumors on her body have continued to shrink and her energy and appettite levels are increasing.  She has made such an amazing turnaround and I'm just so happy.

Week 2   Sept. 20-26. Beryl is doing better.  She had her first good night sleep Thursday night.  Her coughing has kept her up all night but the doctor gave her a mixture he makes and set up a humdifier and she slept all night.  She was also able to wake up on her own instead being awoken.  She is usually so tired she could sleep all day but she has had moments of energy.  She says she thinks she can stay awake long enough to watch a movie. Her tumors have begun to shrink on her chest, neck and head and Dr. Rubio started Beryl on his vaccine treatment on Monday Sept. 21st.  This week her blood sample showed dead cancer cells in her body.  It's working, it's working, it's working!!!  Beryl is more positive than she's been in almost 2 years and I believe our prayers are being answered.  Beryl's mom has been staying with her at the clinic and takes cares of Beryl night and day.  She is truly a saint and Beryl could not have a more loving mother.  I will be seeing her this weekend.  That's all for now.